Sometimes I wish I wasn't Asian!!! Part 1 #Bloggerapy #indian #beingbrown

Part 1

Sometimes I feel like being brown or asian is a problem, a burden you have to live with.
People look at you and think of curry, think that how colourful your life must be with all the nosy family members, that we are born with brains or that we just burst into bhangra and song and dance at every thought-provoking to emotive moment in our lives.
They must think of how you might be having an arranged marriage and might be shipped off someplace else.  Or that you need to be married by a certain age and have kids and have your own place so that you're not a burden for your parents.

If you're like me and that ship has pretty much sailed then you feel like leftover cake that nobody wants or those pieces of chocolate in the box that people don't want to touch.  I get constantly reminded on a day to day basis how rubbish I am at everything I do.  However much I do it will never be enough.

My parents have been always working their entire lives and all for what?  Their children.  So that their children should never be without, so that they have opportunities that they themselves did not.  They worked hard to put us through school and ensure we get a good education.  But I ask at what cost? At what cost to them and at what cost to us?

Growing up my sister was perfect in almost every sense, I loved her dearly, she is no longer with us unfortunately.  However she taught me a lot of what I know.  She was a smart, intelligent, beautiful and strong role model and I will always look at her and follow her example.  She left us with two beautiful children who I love and would go to the ends of the earth for if the cause ever warranted it.

My younger brother the boy of the family was spoilt, always got what we wanted, got away with so much and despite so much care and love, he turned out the worst a selfish, self-centred weakling.  I won't go into details at this stage but let's put it this way - he needs to man up.

I look at myself and think as the somewhat traumatised middle-child, i.e not the revered first born and certainly not the much loved last born son - where do I fit in?
Forget the fitting in, it meant that you were in limbo.

As far as asian families go, the son is considered the most important, carrying the family name and carrying the legacy forward. The daughters are pretty much given up and married off.
I know women are meant to be stronger blah blah blah...
By why oh why do I get the crap all the time????

I'm the one with two degrees and working a career I studied for and now I'm having to give it all up because the first born (RIP) cannot and the last born is unable to do it.
Never have I ever been given any support I needed and now I'm  bulldozed into thinking thats what I have to do.  The audacity of it all.

What makes it worse is that being asian I'm not allowed to say what I feel or think because its either disrespectful or no matter how I say it, it is just plain wrong.

I feel so angry and powerless why can't everyone just fuck off!


More to follow when I'm bit less angry and bit more coherent...

#Bloggerapy continued - Ditching the Need for Self-Validation NOT

So in my last post I was all over the place.....nothing's changed!!!
You know those when you have one of those weeks where there's no time to eat, drink, sleep or barely breathe? Stress?

It's a chain reaction, however instead of it happening in a nuclear reactor it's a ticking stress bomb.
One person who is chasing another person who is chasing another person in a giant life sized came of 'Tag' only it doesn't create fun but propagates stress.

One giant human chain of people doing the Mexican wave shrieking in exasperation and not joy.

So this is what happened when I was trying to continue my post from last time and this is where it has brought me instead. A break down of how breakdowns occur.

I often imagine as people go about their day, I visualise little threads hanging off them with levitating tags attached.  The tags can say anything from family and other personal commitments, to work/professional worries and anything in between.  These tags tug at people some gently in a nagging fashion and others as though their very life depended on it.
I look for an imaginary pair of scissors to snip away these parasitic tags.

I know the only way to metaphorically cut these away is to find that inner peace, contentment and resolve.  A resolve to put one's self first and tell the world to go away.

Let' see if that works.....!  Any advice is welcome.




The gorgeous weather in London is what makes it all melt away, and I mean melt in the most literal since as its 35 degrees today in the country crowned as the land of the rain!

Let's hope this scorcher continues........

Bloggerapy and Henna!

You know when you're going through difficult times when on a Sunday morning you can't think of anything better to do than just revive your blog!!!

I'm calling it Bloggerapy you know blogging and therapy yes I thought it was pretty clever too lol.  It's OK roll your eyes baby at least you're here rolling your eyes at me hehe.

I really want to vent without this becoming a bitching session so while those thoughts will slowly unravel and unfold I'm going start off with posting some pictures of some bridal henna I did this week.

The bride was an absolute doll and her family were awesome. They welcomed me in with lots of love and I loved every moment of it.  I hope you like the photos and I will share more soon. I'm really proud of my work and how far I've come but I really need to promote my work and put me first. Self investment and self belief I'm now realising is such a powerful tool.

So if there's anything 2016 has taught me so far it is ditch your need for validation. Believe in yourself and you can really do anything. I will share my own progress to really drive this home.

Peace and love x

Much Ado About Everything..... - Just Not Enough Hours in the Day...

Each and every person must have experienced that feeling, that frenzied feeling trying to 'fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run'.....(Rudyard Kipling).

 

Not enough hours in the day is a syndrome not unfamiliar to the majority of people. Asking different people has led me to the conclusion that either we're too slow, not organised enough or perhaps over-committed - in some cases maybe all three or at least two.

Life just keeps getting faster and faster, and the commitments just seem to grow and grow....

We are finding ourselves too busy to stop and think about what we are doing and why we are doing it?

Taking a step back from the tableau and remembering what it is we are here for, and all those things that really matter to us.

I look back at when I was a child or teenager and think about how many things I could have spent my time doing and not look back into the shadow of regret.

Things I yearn to do now, is it normal?  Are we allowed to start learning new things like lets say play a new instrument or start writing that book we've always thought about.

Perhaps not take up a brand new career but look at ways to broaden your skills and learn something new and practical?

If life has taught me anything, it is that we must prioritise and focus our efforts if we are to achieve anything.  So perhaps I'll start with baby steps not a full blown revolution which I have no hope in maintaining at this early stage of metamorphosis.

Lets keep it simple, I'm going to de-clutter my room and keep it clear of mess so I can start with a clean slate this new year.  After all, cleanliness is next to godliness my sister always said to me.  Its about time I took this to a serious level.

Focus and prioritise.......Let's go go go!

Let's see how long I can make it last ;)



 

Light in the Darkness..... (Gandhi)

I recall in one speech his Greatness Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, the father of India had indeed pointed that within darkness will there be light, in untruths can we find truth.....and so on....his path of Satyagraha.
It conjures up an image of utter despair, a lacklustre existence in which we find a few little glimmers of hope which bring us through.

I touch on this topic today as it had been mulling over in my mind ever since I had seen the Gandhi series that the BBC had aired very recently. Our father of the nation himself had been in a despondent state once his beloved Hindustan had acheived her independence; it had happened neither in the way he had wished for nor was the actual result as favourable.
It was an insult to see rising to power, figures who later on would only go on to push India onto the road to ruin and have corrupt politicians like vermin, infect the ranks.

Admittedly, the plan Gandhi had for India for self-sufficiency was a powerful one, the simple style of life and dress that he adopted, his teachings and ideals had even brought people at the heart of the empire to its knees.
Yet was Gandhi looking at the long term picture - could he see the India he visioned, the India that he felt was not ready for independence, the India he saw torn apart by religious rivalry, could he see this India transforming into what she is today??
Could Gandhian philosophy have factored this in?

It came to my notice how divided our indians were back then, like they are now. Couldn't it be possible to stage a march, a fast or some protest at this ridiculous division???
Gandhi fasted for the untouchables and tried to ask for them to be integrated, but rather than taking his help and combining it with Dr. Ambedkar's or explaining they didn't want the special name of Harijan which would faciliate working together, instead they just rejected him.

Gandhi undertook a fast for the Muslims to stop fighting in Calcutta and Delhi. He read the Qu'ran at his daily prayer meetings. Muslims I feel could have worked with him rather than write him off, and have possibly prevented the partition.
These humanitarian acts, this fight for equality only became apparent upon his assassination - that too by a Hindu fanatic.

Only then the world fell silent for the man who was misunderstood and who had selflessly given his life to the fight for freeing his motherland.

The Fast and the Curious.....

I have no idea why I decided to give this post this particular title, but it was something I conjured up this morning, so this is as fresh as it gets on a Wednesday afternoon...
There are many of those moments in life that just cannot be explained, instances that appear to bend or reverse the perpetual laws of physics.
These same laws that enable us to fail or excel, win or lose, fight or surrender, the very same laws that create boundaries for the tides of time to rinse through, leaving the residual memories we find ourselves contemplating.

Karma weaves a cyclic web through the ages, rebirth after rebirth, the deeds accumulate.
There are often individuals who come into this life, approaching you with some design, some purpose - a premonition of your future involvement with them.
Albeit brief, whether you aided that person, gave lodging, food or just guided them, that period of time you presided over them, will be forever etched in your memory.
After this brief encounter, they disappear. That person vanishes and any acquaintances you previously shared have no recollection of their whereabouts.
There is no trace of this rendez-vous, not a shred of proof such an alliance or design ever existed, except for a select few that share an understanding of its necessity and the attached obligations with it.

The unknown soul took what was owed from a previous life from me and perhaps others and mysteriously fades away on its finite (yet seemingly infinite) journey through the spiritual-material world.....
Thus leaving us to ponder, the enigmas of life and its cycles over and over.....

Smile...you never know, you might even get one back! :o)

Smile.... you never know, you might even get one back! :-)

There’s this epidemic that’s seized the capital. It’s quite possibly reached pandemic proportions by this stage and it’s been haunting the corners of my mind for some time now.

There’s a mundane routine to which we are accustomed, this herding of cattle on train platforms, this army of clones that march to and fro from their caves, forests of papers litter the street corners and railways, an endless line of lights, metal corridors, humming escalators and marching feet broken up by the sound of a distant saxophone.....

The sky lights up and off they go, marching to their cubicles encased in yards of concrete, brick and glass filled with aromas of coffee and sweat mixed with fluid cleaners use and cologne.The rustling of broadsheets, tabloids filling every inch of space in the tightly packed carriages, steely eyed businessmen, balding lecturers with a furry forest on their chins, latecomers applying their morning war-paint, trend-setters, bristly builders, sleepyheads, ipod's ''with speakers'', people who don’t shower, expectant mothers and ones with pushchairs awkwardly protruding from a corner, tourists with cameras the size of a pinhead, and countless others all vying for a place.

The day comes to pass and before sundown, the chaos ensues. Headliners are projectiled at passers-by from all directions. The herd are going home to graze.

The big reds comb the capital in their big red lanes, people pouring out from every nook and cranny. The sheer volume of people, velocity and urgency with which migration recommences; they're chasing after a paradigm of life, they're chasing time....This behaviour is the manifestation of those infected with the stress virus.This highly infectious stress virus is primarily found in densely populated cities.
Not one of these infected individuals have the audacity to smile, its the most common symptom in addition to glaring at fellow travellers, and being unhelpful/unaccommodating to those needier than yourself.

However, fear not, the stress virus though highly infectious, is not completely invulnerable, there is a cure. You must arm yourself with...a smile...That’s right, a smile. You can disinfect yourself and countless others with this simple, effective and free therapy. Laughter is a catalyst but let’s not get ahead of ourselves people - smile!

I make an appeal to all Londoners out there to smile....it does wonders, just try it. :o)