Part 1
Sometimes I feel like being brown or asian is a problem, a burden you have to live with.
People look at you and think of curry, think that how colourful your life must be with all the nosy family members, that we are born with brains or that we just burst into bhangra and song and dance at every thought-provoking to emotive moment in our lives.
They must think of how you might be having an arranged marriage and might be shipped off someplace else. Or that you need to be married by a certain age and have kids and have your own place so that you're not a burden for your parents.
If you're like me and that ship has pretty much sailed then you feel like leftover cake that nobody wants or those pieces of chocolate in the box that people don't want to touch. I get constantly reminded on a day to day basis how rubbish I am at everything I do. However much I do it will never be enough.
My parents have been always working their entire lives and all for what? Their children. So that their children should never be without, so that they have opportunities that they themselves did not. They worked hard to put us through school and ensure we get a good education. But I ask at what cost? At what cost to them and at what cost to us?
Growing up my sister was perfect in almost every sense, I loved her dearly, she is no longer with us unfortunately. However she taught me a lot of what I know. She was a smart, intelligent, beautiful and strong role model and I will always look at her and follow her example. She left us with two beautiful children who I love and would go to the ends of the earth for if the cause ever warranted it.
My younger brother the boy of the family was spoilt, always got what we wanted, got away with so much and despite so much care and love, he turned out the worst a selfish, self-centred weakling. I won't go into details at this stage but let's put it this way - he needs to man up.
I look at myself and think as the somewhat traumatised middle-child, i.e not the revered first born and certainly not the much loved last born son - where do I fit in?
Forget the fitting in, it meant that you were in limbo.
As far as asian families go, the son is considered the most important, carrying the family name and carrying the legacy forward. The daughters are pretty much given up and married off.
I know women are meant to be stronger blah blah blah...
By why oh why do I get the crap all the time????
I'm the one with two degrees and working a career I studied for and now I'm having to give it all up because the first born (RIP) cannot and the last born is unable to do it.
Never have I ever been given any support I needed and now I'm bulldozed into thinking thats what I have to do. The audacity of it all.
What makes it worse is that being asian I'm not allowed to say what I feel or think because its either disrespectful or no matter how I say it, it is just plain wrong.
I feel so angry and powerless why can't everyone just fuck off!
More to follow when I'm bit less angry and bit more coherent...
Sometimes I feel like being brown or asian is a problem, a burden you have to live with.
People look at you and think of curry, think that how colourful your life must be with all the nosy family members, that we are born with brains or that we just burst into bhangra and song and dance at every thought-provoking to emotive moment in our lives.
They must think of how you might be having an arranged marriage and might be shipped off someplace else. Or that you need to be married by a certain age and have kids and have your own place so that you're not a burden for your parents.
If you're like me and that ship has pretty much sailed then you feel like leftover cake that nobody wants or those pieces of chocolate in the box that people don't want to touch. I get constantly reminded on a day to day basis how rubbish I am at everything I do. However much I do it will never be enough.
My parents have been always working their entire lives and all for what? Their children. So that their children should never be without, so that they have opportunities that they themselves did not. They worked hard to put us through school and ensure we get a good education. But I ask at what cost? At what cost to them and at what cost to us?
Growing up my sister was perfect in almost every sense, I loved her dearly, she is no longer with us unfortunately. However she taught me a lot of what I know. She was a smart, intelligent, beautiful and strong role model and I will always look at her and follow her example. She left us with two beautiful children who I love and would go to the ends of the earth for if the cause ever warranted it.
My younger brother the boy of the family was spoilt, always got what we wanted, got away with so much and despite so much care and love, he turned out the worst a selfish, self-centred weakling. I won't go into details at this stage but let's put it this way - he needs to man up.
I look at myself and think as the somewhat traumatised middle-child, i.e not the revered first born and certainly not the much loved last born son - where do I fit in?
Forget the fitting in, it meant that you were in limbo.
As far as asian families go, the son is considered the most important, carrying the family name and carrying the legacy forward. The daughters are pretty much given up and married off.
I know women are meant to be stronger blah blah blah...
By why oh why do I get the crap all the time????
I'm the one with two degrees and working a career I studied for and now I'm having to give it all up because the first born (RIP) cannot and the last born is unable to do it.
Never have I ever been given any support I needed and now I'm bulldozed into thinking thats what I have to do. The audacity of it all.
What makes it worse is that being asian I'm not allowed to say what I feel or think because its either disrespectful or no matter how I say it, it is just plain wrong.
I feel so angry and powerless why can't everyone just fuck off!
More to follow when I'm bit less angry and bit more coherent...
